I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
