Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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