I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
