Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
