Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
