just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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