I wish I could teleport
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
