I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Randomize
