Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize