I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
