Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
