Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
