i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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