I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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