i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
