I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
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