I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Randomize
