Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Randomize
