tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
