I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize