Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Randomize
