Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
