I'm sorry my penis didn't work
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
