please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
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