Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
