Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
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