I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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