I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Randomize
