I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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