I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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