I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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