it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
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