I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
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