I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
