You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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