And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Maybe he injected his testicle?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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