Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
