Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Randomize
