Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
She bit a glass in half.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
