i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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