i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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