My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
