Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
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