You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
