He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Bring me that man meat
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
