Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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