WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
i want to swaddle you in tequila
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
