If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
