You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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