There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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