After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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