Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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