why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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