A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
