Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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