I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
only if we run a train.
done.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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