wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
