i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
the liver wants what the liver wants
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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