Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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