I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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