Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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