I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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