Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize