if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
